Inside Baseball with Jeffrey Hill

Spurlock Documentaries + Open Mouth Policy + 24Hrs New Orleans + Pyongyangapalooza

2008-03-02T12:41:00.000-08:00

I have to hand it to Morgan Spurlock, love him or hate him, he's used his success with "Super Size Me" to invest into upcoming talent. He takes wonderful documentaries that have already been made, and provides them with the distribution they need to break out. I've watched two of these films and they are both spectacular:

Confessions of a Superhero

A beautiful documentary that features the men and women who dress up as superheroes in from of the Mann Chinese Theatre in Hollywood to take pictures for tips. It's an emotional film that uses powerful still images as transitions between four dynamic characters - the obsessive Superman, the lunatic Batman, the prom-queen Wonder Woman and the hopeful Incredible Hulk.

Czech Dream

Nissa and I watched this last night - an interesting and sometimes scary look at the power of advertising. These two student czech film makers used government funds to set up a fake "hypermarket" (picture a WalMart the size of New Jersey) and advertised it with posters that read DON'T COME, DON'T SPEND, DON'T FIGHT! Thousands still showed up to a meadow in the middle of nowhere and ran like madmen and women to a fake facade of a storefront. It's great to see the advertisers, who helped them with this campaign, seperate themselves from this project because it was a "lie." Hilarious. The theme song for "Cesky Sen," (Czech Dream) is still stuck in my head.

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Does Hillary Clinton ever close her mouth?

Every AP photo shows this woman with her mouth open. Does she ever worry about bugs? (credit of this observation goes to Nissa)

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New Orleans, here I come!

I made this commercial for Next American City's 24Hrs website. I will be in New Orleans from March 6th through the 10th.

check out the site: Next American City's 24Hrs Home Page!

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This week I:

Dissed the Washington Beltway HOT Lanes

Asked our Readers to Describe Next American City in Seven Words or Less

Pyongyangapalooza!

Baltimore is the capital of lame, white tourists

2008-02-24T16:06:00.000-08:00

The lady and I spent this weekend in Baltimore. While we enjoyed having a hotel room with an enormous whirlpool and ate lots of good food - there were a few things that bothered us on this trip that made me want to spew blood, drink that blood, and spew it back up again.

The first thing was that the inner harbor, which is nestled between unkept ghettos and tucked-away minority communities, is filled with lame white tourist families and their screaming children. They are pushy, arrogant, and have plenty of money to spend. The city of Baltimore knows this (20 dollars to park, 7 dollars to breathe, 15 dollars to smile), and certainly takes advantage of it, but all of this money is definitely poured back into the 4-block area of the inner-harbor and not into the unkept neighborhoods that house the people that actually work at the inner harbor. I mean, what's more important - a giant three-fucking-story ESPN Family Fun Zone, or say, a safe, clean park for kids in Morovia to play in.

See this jackass? He works at a bar called "Howl at the Moon," an outpost of hell. Never have Nissa and I been so offended by a complete atmosphere. Every sort of "-ism" manages to infest this horrible, horrible place. Let's start with the music, there are two pianists and they know every shitty rock song written by white people since 1972. Billy Joel, Elton John, Richard Marx... anything that wouldn't offend or suggest anything slightly threatening to the all-white, mid-30s to 40s douchebag professional class, mingling with their whale spouses and drinking shitty beer like they did in college. On top of all this, the ONE black guy in the club is a bathroom attendant and the ONE asian guy is sweeping the floor. I felt nauseous that I even set foot in this place. The last straw was when the pianists found out that there was a woman's birthday party there and screamed "let's all say, happy birthday, you whore, you slut!" Which was followed by the rolly-polly gurgled laughter from the chorus of fat housewives. It wouldn't bother me so much if this piece-of-shit wasn't in the middle of such poverty, and if they didn't blatently adhere to affirmative action by shoving the minorities in the bathroom.

Driving 100 miles north on Rt.95 from Baltimore to the Delaware Memorial Bridge costs 14 dollars in tolls. Are these fucking roads paved with gold? Are the residents of Maryland working, or is this a pocket of socialism, funded by highway tolls?

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Deep Breath.
This week I:

Warned the world about the honeybee shortage!

Had the honor of writing the headlines when Fidel Castro quit.

Conceptualized a city planning awards show!

I am dying ... well, sort of.

2008-02-17T09:02:00.000-08:00

I have caught the world's deadliest flu (I just typed "fly" by accident, and chuckled at the thought of catching the world's deadliest fly).

My spine hurts. I can't breath out of the left (your right) side of my head and I can't decide whether I am freezing or suffocating from the heat. Of course, this happens over the weekend, when it is convenient for me to be sick because there's no work to do. I imagine when my alarm goes off tomorrow at 6a.m., I'll feel chipper and brisk.

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Next American City designer, Matt Scobey, took part in this "Tour De Fat" last summer, which I think is gangbusters (let's bring back that expression). They persuaded people to trade in their cars for bikes and organized some remarkable events. Watch the videos of Portland.

Check Out Scobey in the Red Jumpsuit

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I've been working on the 24Hrs website for what seems like 2 weeks now. My god, it has been two weeks. I'm going to be in New Orleans from March 6th to March 10th.

24Hrs Roadtrip Website

Learning Flash and Adobe fireworks is tough. I've never stared at html and php code for long enough periods of time to make my eyes bleed "a hrefs" and "javascript srcs."

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I wish I could write more, but the pounding sinuses prevent the flow of creativity.

This week, I-
Compared Obama V. Hillary to Luke V. Vader

Sold a story To Maja Magazine, which is lovingly referred to around the office as "The Porn Magazine"

I'm working on-
"Escalator to Nowhere"
"South Jersey Prison Industry"
"The Jacobs Awards"
"Fuck You and Your Dot Org" anti-campaign.

Writing + Colon + More Obama + Rock Paper Scissors

2008-02-10T11:11:00.000-08:00

I hate when writers talk about writing (i.e. Stephen King's book on how to be Stephen King), but I have to at least catalog my thoughts on a few new styles of writing that concern me.

BOO! I'm a writer!

On Writing:

The first is the review about the reviewer and not about what is being reviewed. Oh, Pitchfork. You influenced a generation of hipsters that were too focused on the now that they didn't realize you were just mocking gonzo journalism. I can't stand Hunter S. Thompson. He was a self-proclaimed celebrity. When a writer decides that he is more important than the focus of a piece - it's time to become an actor, pundit, politician, whatever... and leave writing to the rest of the bitter alcoholics who hide their unimpressive looks behind a byline.

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"Basically..."

I sent this memo to my editors this week at Next American City (yeah, there's no "the" now, and thankfully, we're not allowed to discuss it anymore) -

Matt, Pooja,

Let's be one of the publications that attempts to destroy the unecessary adverb, "basically." Even worse - sentence (comma) basically. If something is "basically" something, then we don't need to know the basics. It's just something. If it isn't - well, then it isn't. It's one of those words that is often used to mean "a resemblance" or "a parallel to..."
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Colonoscopy:::

How many colons can one have in a sentence? According to some writers, a sentence can have three colons. In most cases, these are three sentences strung together - and the writer is just worried that someone is going to somehow leap into the page and interrupt him/her mid-sentence.

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My Return to Rock, Paper, Scissors

On Thursday night, Matt Stroud (NAC editor), Nissa and I hit up The Dive for my return to RPS, competing in a PBRRPSCLCS exhibition. It was great to see the legendary C. Urbanus again. I hate to be abandoning NJ, but I'm going to be competing in Philly as long as my liver can take the massive dose of PBR.

Read about my alcohol-influenced decision to shoot for the street prize, even though I already had it won.

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Obama-mama!

I'm excited about Obama. Every time I browse through the online news ring and I see his smiling face giving the pound to another state, I smile. This isn't an official endorsement, as I make my decision after the candidates have been paired down and contrasting issues become clearer. I have to say I'm excited that someone who hasn't been jaded by special interests has a real shot at the White House. It makes me proud of American voters - that we're willing to give a new voice a chance. The issue of Obama's race has only been questioned by Bill Clinton and BET's founder, Robert Johnson. And isn't that a shame? Are you as disappointed as I am?

If he manages to find himself in the oval office, Obama needs to get Bin Laden right away. This would shut up nearly everyone who has hidden their racism and hatred of homosexuals behind the concerns of "the national security" on voting day. I'm not looking at the South- Obama's winning down there. I'm looking at Massachusettes and New York - they don't fool me one bit. NYC can pretend it's this liberal base camp of openess and liberal though, but I know the racism that exists there. If Guiliani had a D next to his name - these two candidates wouldn't have been a passing thought in the boroughs.

Simmons Buntin wrote an amazing piece on New York, and as an outsider looking in, he's right on. Unfortunately, I miss the old New York.

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This week I:

Sent 1,000 emails to web designer, Danny Ho, who quickly assembled our new 24Hrs. website - Check it out!

Wrote about Boise, Idaho - where things are done right.
Explored convenience culture in America
Called for the resignation of Alphonso Jackson
Sat on a tack in Dubai

Dear Boston,

2008-02-03T19:12:00.000-08:00

18-1

Pooper Bowl 42

2008-02-03T15:06:00.000-08:00

That's it. I've seen enough. I'm done with NFL football.

My love for the NFL has been smothered and stepped on by a 15 minute reading of the declaration of independence by various NFL has-beens, countless apple commercials, and dramatic, unecessary skits featuring Eli Manning and the word Resiliency.

We're breaking up. I can't enjoy this anymore. It's not football. It's a fucking movie produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.

I used to watch football with my Dad on sundays. The only thing to hate back then was Dan Dierdorf. Commercial breaks were only 5 minutes and it took less than 24 hours of pregame to get to the Super Bowl. I'm also tired of countless national events taking advantage of "honoring the troops." These guys are fucking millionaires, they don't give a shit. You want to honor the troops? Knock of this bullshit and get to the game, I'm sure they only get an hour break from getting shot at to relax, you think you can give them quality down time?

I don't care who wins. I just want to see-
1.) Tom Brady get drilled through the turf, into the desert below.
2.) Plaxico Burress make an amazing TD catch and spike it in the face of Rodney Harrison.
3.) Troy Aikman make the following statement- "You know what, Buck? I quit. Fuck this. Joe Montana never whored himself out like this, and these douchebags wouldn't stand a chance against anyone in the league when I played."

MORE RANTS-

Jeffrey Hill vs. Forbes' Kurt Badenhausen
Jeffrey Hill vs. the State of the Union
Jeffrey Hill vs. well... more like Italy vs. Chinatown

GREAT MOMENTS IN TELEVSION JOURNALISM!!

Cornelius + NYC Diner + Blood Diamonds + Futuro TNAC Campaign

2008-01-27T13:36:00.000-08:00

I went to see Cornelius in NYC last night with Liz Newnam, Zane K. and Bob from "Zebras...". My face still hurts from all of the excitement. Dining at a NYC Diner followed - if Kraftwerk designed a diner and the cast of "Friends" wrote the menu, you'd have the place we ate at. I couldn't concentrate hard enough on the menu, so I just copped out with chicken fingers.

"Blood Diamonds" sucked. I felt so gross watching the end - specifically designed to make white people feel good about themselves. The entire movie should have been an African pointing out of the screen shouting "you materialistic, evil motherfuckers! you ruined this country! fuck you and your diamonds!" It's a good thing I verbally requested and was guaranteed 100% conflict-free diamonds, otherwise I would be "pontificating from the depths of my own ignorance" again.

Behold, the FUTURO HOUSE!

This week, I:

Shit is Serious Business by the lovely Nissa Lee (who just got a job copy editing with the AC press)
What's in a Name? A List of City Eponyms by Me
Headlines - Tom Cruise Scientology Joke by Me

TNAC featured on SOCIAL DESIGN SITE

Kielbasa Lunch

2008-01-24T21:33:00.000-08:00

Today at work, I had kielbasa for lunch. It was from a street vendor cart two blocks from the office. It was a transaction that felt so right - allow me to explain:

There's a few hip coffeeshops and luncheons on the bottom floor of my building. They're pretty, I'll give them that. But I kind of enjoy that down-in-the-trenches feel of eating on the go in a city. I want to get to know my lunch provider on a first name basis. I want to talk to him or her about the fuckin' weather, the phils, and "if I saw that crazy shit on the news."

After I gave the street vendor his cash, he replied, "thanks bud." I feel this is a good first step. When I buy 2 or 3 more, i'll introduce myself.

There's a sidebar here - the same sort of transaction happened in one of the small coffee shops in my lobby. The guy who poured my tea asked me what my name was and promised me he would remember it as long as I worked there. I found that to be a pleasant gesture, but I wanted to test him on it. I went back a couple of days later and indeed, he remembered my name, but the way he said it made me feel like he attached my name to an order and not to my face. After I said "green tea with lemon," he replied "Jeff, right?"

That makes me feel like i'm "Green Tea with Lemon." The kielbasa guy, on the other hand... I see a lot of potential there. In the future, he may ask me about work and "what us college grad hippies are doing up there." I would appreciate it.

"The Gipper" + David Duke goes femme + Mass Transit Stories

2008-01-20T11:42:00.000-08:00

Ronald Reagan: The Sacred Cow

I caught the heat from both sides of the aisle for my Ronald Reagan rant on TNAC's The Street. While I should have been clearer about Obama's comments (he never actually praises the Reagan years), I am proud to take my shot at "The American Destiny" political system. We're not the British Empire. I'm surprised I didn't end up on any right-wing watchdog sites. Maybe you could leak the story?

David Duke hates gays, but pretends to be a woman to sell anal sex advice books.

"Using the pseudonym Dorothy Vanderbilt, Duke published a self-help book for women, titled Finders-Keepers, in 1976. The publication gives advice to women regarding vaginal exercises, fellatio, analingus, and anal sex. The manual is no longer in print and hard to find; however, the Times-Picayune, a New Orleans newspaper, managed to find a copy and trace the trail of its proceeds to the original author via the publisher. Duke compiled information from various women's self-help magazines, and published the book to raise money for his activities, though the book turned out to be a flop." -wikipedia

Read about it in The New York Times

Tales from The Bus

Taking the express bus into Philly supplies me with plenty of interesting stories. It has also been a good way of gauging public opinion. Unfortunately, it gives me a first-hand look of how bad conditions are in Camden. I can't believe the city government would allow those main streets to look like that while focusing on building luxury condos on the waterfront.

Coming soon-
I have an Op Ed appearing in The Norwalk Hour in Connecticut - possibly in other national publications close to Connecticut. It deals with the materialistic side of "Going Green," and how saving the environment shouldn't involve a shopping list for the wealthy.

The Escalator to Nowhere project - Details TBA
Jeff goes to New Orleans! (March 6th to 9th)

Great Moments in Stand-up

2008-01-17T20:08:00.000-08:00

A classic...

An example of powerful physical humor in storytelling. The sound of Rickles' voice just made you laugh.

And then there's Bill Hicks... died too early.

NJ Transit + Small Town Fires + Legos

2008-01-14T13:12:00.000-08:00

Trying to buy NJ Transit bus tickets online is a practice in amateur acupuncture - The kind performed by the shaky assistant when the master had too much to drink... I must have conversed/cursed at 10 telephone menus. Some of these menus are just unecessary-

"Press 1 if you really meant pressing 4 just now... or press 2 if you meant to press 7. Para habla espanol press 9."

So this may end up as some sort of Op-ed, although I'm working on a San Francisco piece right now... I would much rather complain about something that bothers me directly than indirectly. I'd tell you what the SF piece is about, but I don't want to jinx it.

Hey Kiddies! Some new stuff!
The Jetsons and American History 1960-2007 by Me
Tidbits Vol. 1: Urban Art by Me
The Place to Pee by Nissa Lee!

Small Town Fires reviewed on LosingToday.com!

excerpt from the review-
"Currently to found applying the finishing touches to their debut EP these four treats serve as indication as to the ensembles deft knack of turning up pop pearls of the highest order from the strangest of sources - the slinky electro buzz of ’pink pixels’ sounds like ’penthouse and pavement’ era Heaven 17 submerged in the cosmic fluffiness of Stereolab, distant memories of Devo are dispatched into textured wells of motorik techno funk servitude on the Tom Tom Club meets Front 242 like ’mother of keith moon’. Yet it’s the strangely obscured ‘the abdomen drum’ where the band excel, a crooked sugar pop gem dipped in lysergic glitter and reformed into a buzzing bubblegum bomb to mainline perfectly into the fried melodic territories of Roy Wood’s Move only to be sprinkled with the wayward tendencies of Apples In Stereo and Of Montreal. We await that EP with baited breath."

I'll take it!

Legos- I need a bulk of legos for a project i'm working on for The Next American City. I'm back to crazy schemes and impossible tasks, just like the old days. Anything to keep me away from the election.

Have you caught Obama fever?

The Next American City + (or vs.) The Future

2008-01-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

I've been writing for The Next American City's The Street for a few weeks now, and I'm grateful that I can waste an entire afternoon reading about the downtown development of Anchorage, Alaska. I'm also exciting to be sharing webspace with good writing. TNAC has a variety of style. Good stuff: Hayley Richardson's Punk as Fuck, Simmons Buntin's Fantasy Urban League. My fiancee, Nissa, is also writing for the site. I would have included her Gay Communities article to the list, but is that unethical?

I took down some of the posts on this blog because they looked too much like online journal entries, which I hate. Mostly because i'm in that "bitter to youth" phase. It's a loving phase.

I'm going to stick with my once a week promise. I need to think of a theme. Right now, I can't think of anything but Alaska.

This looks like a journal entry. You can't escape it.

No, I am not interested.

2007-11-25T12:56:00.000-08:00

Everytime I go to the video store, I end up engaging in a forced game of 20 questions with the little shit behind the counter.

Videostore Clerk: "Sir, are you interested in joining..."
Me: "No"
Videostore Clerk: "But sir, if you join you get these two for..."
Me: "No"
Videostore Clerk: "You know you will save..."
Me: "No, I am not interested"
Videostore Clerk: "It only takes 2 minutes to...."
Me: "Can I go now?"
Videostore Clerk: "You can also rent movies online..."
Me: "Online? What's that? I never go online. Is this a new thing?"
Videostore Clerk: "You don't have internet access?"
Me: "No, can the videostore give me internet access?"
Videostore Clerk: "No"
Me: "What about for an additional 2 dollars, you give me internet access?"
Videostore Clerk: "No, we do not do that"
Me: "You sure?"
Videostore Clerk: "Sir, that's ridiculous"
Me: "How does it feel answering ridiculous questions?"
Videostore Clerk: "The movies are due back Thursday"
Me: "Thank you."

A Young Brian Billick on Match Game

2007-11-13T14:00:00.000-08:00

Thanks for losing my fantasy football game for me, you dick.

Presidential Mortal Kombat

2007-11-11T12:11:00.000-08:00

When I was in 3rd grade, my teacher had a poster with all of the presidents' portraits listed on them. I used to pass the time by imagining them fighting each other and figuring out who would win. Little did I know that I had a hit video game idea on my hands. I present to you: Presidential Mortal Kombat

Martin Van Buren VS Rutherford B. Hayes - A real dogfight; lumberjack beard versus the greatest muttonchops the oval office has ever seen. Look out for Van Buren's spin move.

Franklin Pierce VS Chestur A. Arthur - Speed versus size. Brains versus braun. All it takes is one good shot from Arthur and you can count Pierce out.

Grover Cleveland VS Teddy Roosevelt - Tally Ho! The matchup of the century... Teddy Roosevelt has 14 fatalities.

Kaiser Wilhelm II VS Richard Nixon - Unlockable character Kaiser Wilhelm goes against one of the more popular characters, Richard Nixon, with his "fist of impeachment" special move.

I am a Christmaholic

2007-11-09T21:42:00.000-08:00

It is November 9th and I have Christmas decorations up. I have done this to battle the depression of the pre-Thanksgiving holiday season. It's the limbo of the year. Halloween and Thanksgiving are like Eli and Cooper Manning of holidays. So I've eliminated them altogether.

Let's get this straight - Thanksgiving isn't a holiday. It's a day to eat Turkey and watch the Detroit Lions play football. Christmas is now two whole months for me. It is my warm tin of hooch that will get me through, the 2008 presidential race coverage, $3 a gallon for gas and my final semester of college, which is draining the life from me slowly through the fork it jabbed in my eye.

I have become what I hate - the person who decorates for Christmas as soon as Halloween is over. But I don't care. I've officially become a yuppie, drowning my sorrows in Hallmark cards, The Nutcracker Suite and Edward Scissorhands. I am drunk from twinkling lights and pine scented candles. I am an idiot.