Spurlock Documentaries + Open Mouth Policy + 24Hrs New Orleans + Pyongyangapalooza

I have to hand it to Morgan Spurlock, love him or hate him, he's used his success with "Super Size Me" to invest into upcoming talent. He takes wonderful documentaries that have already been made, and provides them with the distribution they need to break out. I've watched two of these films and they are both spectacular:


Confessions of a Superhero

A beautiful documentary that features the men and women who dress up as superheroes in from of the Mann Chinese Theatre in Hollywood to take pictures for tips. It's an emotional film that uses powerful still images as transitions between four dynamic characters - the obsessive Superman, the lunatic Batman, the prom-queen Wonder Woman and the hopeful Incredible Hulk.



Czech Dream

Nissa and I watched this last night - an interesting and sometimes scary look at the power of advertising. These two student czech film makers used government funds to set up a fake "hypermarket" (picture a WalMart the size of New Jersey) and advertised it with posters that read DON'T COME, DON'T SPEND, DON'T FIGHT! Thousands still showed up to a meadow in the middle of nowhere and ran like madmen and women to a fake facade of a storefront. It's great to see the advertisers, who helped them with this campaign, seperate themselves from this project because it was a "lie." Hilarious. The theme song for "Cesky Sen," (Czech Dream) is still stuck in my head.

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Does Hillary Clinton ever close her mouth?

Every AP photo shows this woman with her mouth open. Does she ever worry about bugs? (credit of this observation goes to Nissa)

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New Orleans, here I come!

I made this commercial for Next American City's 24Hrs website. I will be in New Orleans from March 6th through the 10th.


check out the site: Next American City's 24Hrs Home Page!

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This week I:

Dissed the Washington Beltway HOT Lanes

Asked our Readers to Describe Next American City in Seven Words or Less

Pyongyangapalooza!

Baltimore is the capital of lame, white tourists

The lady and I spent this weekend in Baltimore. While we enjoyed having a hotel room with an enormous whirlpool and ate lots of good food - there were a few things that bothered us on this trip that made me want to spew blood, drink that blood, and spew it back up again.

The first thing was that the inner harbor, which is nestled between unkept ghettos and tucked-away minority communities, is filled with lame white tourist families and their screaming children. They are pushy, arrogant, and have plenty of money to spend. The city of Baltimore knows this (20 dollars to park, 7 dollars to breathe, 15 dollars to smile), and certainly takes advantage of it, but all of this money is definitely poured back into the 4-block area of the inner-harbor and not into the unkept neighborhoods that house the people that actually work at the inner harbor. I mean, what's more important - a giant three-fucking-story ESPN Family Fun Zone, or say, a safe, clean park for kids in Morovia to play in.



See this jackass? He works at a bar called "Howl at the Moon," an outpost of hell. Never have Nissa and I been so offended by a complete atmosphere. Every sort of "-ism" manages to infest this horrible, horrible place. Let's start with the music, there are two pianists and they know every shitty rock song written by white people since 1972. Billy Joel, Elton John, Richard Marx... anything that wouldn't offend or suggest anything slightly threatening to the all-white, mid-30s to 40s douchebag professional class, mingling with their whale spouses and drinking shitty beer like they did in college. On top of all this, the ONE black guy in the club is a bathroom attendant and the ONE asian guy is sweeping the floor. I felt nauseous that I even set foot in this place. The last straw was when the pianists found out that there was a woman's birthday party there and screamed "let's all say, happy birthday, you whore, you slut!" Which was followed by the rolly-polly gurgled laughter from the chorus of fat housewives. It wouldn't bother me so much if this piece-of-shit wasn't in the middle of such poverty, and if they didn't blatently adhere to affirmative action by shoving the minorities in the bathroom.

Driving 100 miles north on Rt.95 from Baltimore to the Delaware Memorial Bridge costs 14 dollars in tolls. Are these fucking roads paved with gold? Are the residents of Maryland working, or is this a pocket of socialism, funded by highway tolls?

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Deep Breath.
This week I:

Warned the world about the honeybee shortage!

Had the honor of writing the headlines when Fidel Castro quit.

Conceptualized a city planning awards show!

I am dying ... well, sort of.

I have caught the world's deadliest flu (I just typed "fly" by accident, and chuckled at the thought of catching the world's deadliest fly).

My spine hurts. I can't breath out of the left (your right) side of my head and I can't decide whether I am freezing or suffocating from the heat. Of course, this happens over the weekend, when it is convenient for me to be sick because there's no work to do. I imagine when my alarm goes off tomorrow at 6a.m., I'll feel chipper and brisk.

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Next American City designer, Matt Scobey, took part in this "Tour De Fat" last summer, which I think is gangbusters (let's bring back that expression). They persuaded people to trade in their cars for bikes and organized some remarkable events. Watch the videos of Portland.

Check Out Scobey in the Red Jumpsuit

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I've been working on the 24Hrs website for what seems like 2 weeks now. My god, it has been two weeks. I'm going to be in New Orleans from March 6th to March 10th.

24Hrs Roadtrip Website

Learning Flash and Adobe fireworks is tough. I've never stared at html and php code for long enough periods of time to make my eyes bleed "a hrefs" and "javascript srcs."

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I wish I could write more, but the pounding sinuses prevent the flow of creativity.

This week, I-
Compared Obama V. Hillary to Luke V. Vader

Sold a story To Maja Magazine, which is lovingly referred to around the office as "The Porn Magazine"

I'm working on-
"Escalator to Nowhere"
"South Jersey Prison Industry"
"The Jacobs Awards"
"Fuck You and Your Dot Org" anti-campaign.

Writing + Colon + More Obama + Rock Paper Scissors

I hate when writers talk about writing (i.e. Stephen King's book on how to be Stephen King), but I have to at least catalog my thoughts on a few new styles of writing that concern me.


BOO! I'm a writer!

On Writing:

The first is the review about the reviewer and not about what is being reviewed. Oh, Pitchfork. You influenced a generation of hipsters that were too focused on the now that they didn't realize you were just mocking gonzo journalism. I can't stand Hunter S. Thompson. He was a self-proclaimed celebrity. When a writer decides that he is more important than the focus of a piece - it's time to become an actor, pundit, politician, whatever... and leave writing to the rest of the bitter alcoholics who hide their unimpressive looks behind a byline.

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"Basically..."

I sent this memo to my editors this week at Next American City (yeah, there's no "the" now, and thankfully, we're not allowed to discuss it anymore) -

Matt, Pooja,

Let's be one of the publications that attempts to destroy the unecessary adverb, "basically." Even worse - sentence (comma) basically. If something is "basically" something, then we don't need to know the basics. It's just something. If it isn't - well, then it isn't. It's one of those words that is often used to mean "a resemblance" or "a parallel to..."
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Colonoscopy:::

How many colons can one have in a sentence? According to some writers, a sentence can have three colons. In most cases, these are three sentences strung together - and the writer is just worried that someone is going to somehow leap into the page and interrupt him/her mid-sentence.



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My Return to Rock, Paper, Scissors

On Thursday night, Matt Stroud (NAC editor), Nissa and I hit up The Dive for my return to RPS, competing in a PBRRPSCLCS exhibition. It was great to see the legendary C. Urbanus again. I hate to be abandoning NJ, but I'm going to be competing in Philly as long as my liver can take the massive dose of PBR.

Read about my alcohol-influenced decision to shoot for the street prize, even though I already had it won.

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Obama-mama!

I'm excited about Obama. Every time I browse through the online news ring and I see his smiling face giving the pound to another state, I smile. This isn't an official endorsement, as I make my decision after the candidates have been paired down and contrasting issues become clearer. I have to say I'm excited that someone who hasn't been jaded by special interests has a real shot at the White House. It makes me proud of American voters - that we're willing to give a new voice a chance. The issue of Obama's race has only been questioned by Bill Clinton and BET's founder, Robert Johnson. And isn't that a shame? Are you as disappointed as I am?

If he manages to find himself in the oval office, Obama needs to get Bin Laden right away. This would shut up nearly everyone who has hidden their racism and hatred of homosexuals behind the concerns of "the national security" on voting day. I'm not looking at the South- Obama's winning down there. I'm looking at Massachusettes and New York - they don't fool me one bit. NYC can pretend it's this liberal base camp of openess and liberal though, but I know the racism that exists there. If Guiliani had a D next to his name - these two candidates wouldn't have been a passing thought in the boroughs.

Simmons Buntin wrote an amazing piece on New York, and as an outsider looking in, he's right on. Unfortunately, I miss the old New York.

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This week I:

Sent 1,000 emails to web designer, Danny Ho, who quickly assembled our new 24Hrs. website - Check it out!

Wrote about Boise, Idaho - where things are done right.
Explored convenience culture in America
Called for the resignation of Alphonso Jackson
Sat on a tack in Dubai

Dear Boston,

18-1

Pooper Bowl 42

That's it. I've seen enough. I'm done with NFL football.

My love for the NFL has been smothered and stepped on by a 15 minute reading of the declaration of independence by various NFL has-beens, countless apple commercials, and dramatic, unecessary skits featuring Eli Manning and the word Resiliency.

We're breaking up. I can't enjoy this anymore. It's not football. It's a fucking movie produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.

I used to watch football with my Dad on sundays. The only thing to hate back then was Dan Dierdorf. Commercial breaks were only 5 minutes and it took less than 24 hours of pregame to get to the Super Bowl. I'm also tired of countless national events taking advantage of "honoring the troops." These guys are fucking millionaires, they don't give a shit. You want to honor the troops? Knock of this bullshit and get to the game, I'm sure they only get an hour break from getting shot at to relax, you think you can give them quality down time?

I don't care who wins. I just want to see-
1.) Tom Brady get drilled through the turf, into the desert below.
2.) Plaxico Burress make an amazing TD catch and spike it in the face of Rodney Harrison.
3.) Troy Aikman make the following statement- "You know what, Buck? I quit. Fuck this. Joe Montana never whored himself out like this, and these douchebags wouldn't stand a chance against anyone in the league when I played."


MORE RANTS-

Jeffrey Hill vs. Forbes' Kurt Badenhausen
Jeffrey Hill vs. the State of the Union
Jeffrey Hill vs. well... more like Italy vs. Chinatown

GREAT MOMENTS IN TELEVSION JOURNALISM!!

Cornelius + NYC Diner + Blood Diamonds + Futuro TNAC Campaign

I went to see Cornelius in NYC last night with Liz Newnam, Zane K. and Bob from "Zebras...". My face still hurts from all of the excitement. Dining at a NYC Diner followed - if Kraftwerk designed a diner and the cast of "Friends" wrote the menu, you'd have the place we ate at. I couldn't concentrate hard enough on the menu, so I just copped out with chicken fingers.

"Blood Diamonds" sucked. I felt so gross watching the end - specifically designed to make white people feel good about themselves. The entire movie should have been an African pointing out of the screen shouting "you materialistic, evil motherfuckers! you ruined this country! fuck you and your diamonds!" It's a good thing I verbally requested and was guaranteed 100% conflict-free diamonds, otherwise I would be "pontificating from the depths of my own ignorance" again.



Behold, the FUTURO HOUSE!

This week, I:

Shit is Serious Business by the lovely Nissa Lee (who just got a job copy editing with the AC press)
What's in a Name? A List of City Eponyms by Me
Headlines - Tom Cruise Scientology Joke by Me

TNAC featured on SOCIAL DESIGN SITE