No, I am not interested.

Everytime I go to the video store, I end up engaging in a forced game of 20 questions with the little shit behind the counter.

Videostore Clerk: "Sir, are you interested in joining..."
Me: "No"
Videostore Clerk: "But sir, if you join you get these two for..."
Me: "No"
Videostore Clerk: "You know you will save..."
Me: "No, I am not interested"
Videostore Clerk: "It only takes 2 minutes to...."
Me: "Can I go now?"
Videostore Clerk: "You can also rent movies online..."
Me: "Online? What's that? I never go online. Is this a new thing?"
Videostore Clerk: "You don't have internet access?"
Me: "No, can the videostore give me internet access?"
Videostore Clerk: "No"
Me: "What about for an additional 2 dollars, you give me internet access?"
Videostore Clerk: "No, we do not do that"
Me: "You sure?"
Videostore Clerk: "Sir, that's ridiculous"
Me: "How does it feel answering ridiculous questions?"
Videostore Clerk: "The movies are due back Thursday"
Me: "Thank you."

A Young Brian Billick on Match Game

Thanks for losing my fantasy football game for me, you dick.

Presidential Mortal Kombat

When I was in 3rd grade, my teacher had a poster with all of the presidents' portraits listed on them. I used to pass the time by imagining them fighting each other and figuring out who would win. Little did I know that I had a hit video game idea on my hands. I present to you: Presidential Mortal Kombat





Martin Van Buren VS Rutherford B. Hayes - A real dogfight; lumberjack beard versus the greatest muttonchops the oval office has ever seen. Look out for Van Buren's spin move.





Franklin Pierce VS Chestur A. Arthur - Speed versus size. Brains versus braun. All it takes is one good shot from Arthur and you can count Pierce out.





Grover Cleveland VS Teddy Roosevelt - Tally Ho! The matchup of the century... Teddy Roosevelt has 14 fatalities.





Kaiser Wilhelm II VS Richard Nixon - Unlockable character Kaiser Wilhelm goes against one of the more popular characters, Richard Nixon, with his "fist of impeachment" special move.

I am a Christmaholic

It is November 9th and I have Christmas decorations up. I have done this to battle the depression of the pre-Thanksgiving holiday season. It's the limbo of the year. Halloween and Thanksgiving are like Eli and Cooper Manning of holidays. So I've eliminated them altogether.


Let's get this straight - Thanksgiving isn't a holiday. It's a day to eat Turkey and watch the Detroit Lions play football. Christmas is now two whole months for me. It is my warm tin of hooch that will get me through, the 2008 presidential race coverage, $3 a gallon for gas and my final semester of college, which is draining the life from me slowly through the fork it jabbed in my eye.


I have become what I hate - the person who decorates for Christmas as soon as Halloween is over. But I don't care. I've officially become a yuppie, drowning my sorrows in Hallmark cards, The Nutcracker Suite and Edward Scissorhands. I am drunk from twinkling lights and pine scented candles. I am an idiot.